


It’s Hard When Your Enemy Can Break the Laws of Physics

by DrWhlqist



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Humor, Parody, Short, taking abilities very literally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 23:21:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12398352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrWhlqist/pseuds/DrWhlqist
Summary: A short look at the frankly ridiculous abilities of various Overwatch characters.Or, a large part of the reason the game isn’t considered canon.





	It’s Hard When Your Enemy Can Break the Laws of Physics

**Soldier 76, Tracer, Ana, Reinhardt, Torbjörn**

Soldier 76 ran, quickly taking the lead, while everyone else followed at what was at best a leisurely pace, at least until Reinhardt caught up by shooting across the next 60 feet with rocket blasts. Tracer zipped through the time-space continuum until she too had caught up.

Ana and Torbjörn arrived a minute or so later, whereupon Torbjörn took out his hammer and put a small object on the ground that he hit until he managed to form a turret. He kept hitting it with his hammer until it upgraded in size. Ana found a place to hang back on the ground.

Then, enemies appeared.

Reinhardt raised his shield and everyone jumped into action. Ana began firing wildly into the crowd, hitting friend and foe alike.

"Ana, watch where you're shooting!" Soldier 76 demanded.

"Relax," Ana said. She then threw a grenade into the fray.

"Grenade!" Soldier shouted.

Reinhardt reacted quickly, blocking it's path with his shield. To everyone's surprise the grenade went right through it. It exploded upon impact with the floor and everyone braced themselves only to find...that they were healing?

The enemies started coughing, but the Overwatch team was feeling better than ever.

The turret took out a few enemies at the edges of the battlefield and Torbjörn ran out towards them. He started ripping off pieces of their armor and throwing them at his teammates after putting some on himself.

"My turret's under fire!" he yelled despite looking in the opposite direction of his turret. He ran around a corner, shot at a couple of enemies, and collected more armor.

"My baby!" he screamed, somehow aware that his turret had been destroyed even though there was a building blocking his line-of-sight with his turret.

"You're powered up, get in there!" Ana shouted at Reinhardt, who suddenly appeared to be glowing blue. Reinhardt put down his shield, which was barely being utilized anyways, and started running and swinging much faster than he had before. He was able to take out at least five of the goons, but more kept coming.

As the glow faded, he shouted, "Hammer down!" at the new enemies that had flown into the battle and were hovering over the field. Reinhardt smashed his hammer into the ground and the enemies fell out of the air, clearly stunned. He then charged with his rockets again, sweeping up three of them and smashing them into a wall, killing them instantly.

Tracer screamed and Soldier 76 looked around for her, realizing she must have been hit. He saw her bleeding on the ground looking close to death. Before he could reach her and throw his healing biotics at his feet (he refused to throw them any further from his person), she vanished.

He looked around wildly and saw her engaging some opponents half-way across the battlefield as if nothing had even happened.

"Cheers love," she greeted him when she saw him staring.

He decided to focus his attention elsewhere. He heard Ana say something that sounded suspiciously like "go to sleep" and he ran over there to make sure she was safe. Next to her was what appeared to be a corpse. Suddenly it stood up.

"Ana watch out!" he yelled.

He needn't have bothered. She shot it and it fell down again. Soldier 76 didn't trust that it was dead yet and shot it himself. It got right back up.

"Why did you do that?" Ana yelled at him.

"I'm making sure it stays dead!"

"I had it under control!" She shot it once more and once more it lay prone on the ground.

"Fine," Soldier 76 ground out. He focused his sights on the rest of the battle. "Tactical Visor activated!"

With his enhanced sight Soldier 76 aimed at the remaining opponents, gunning them all down flawlessly.

"Why didn't you do that earlier?" Tracer asked, appearing out of thin air beside him.

"I only activate my visor after I've gotten a few kills in first."

"Oh, that makes sense." Everyone else nodded in agreement.

The battle was easily won after that.

 

**Sombra and McCree**

"Oh no, Sombra hacked the health pack! Her symbol is hovering over it; better not risk using it."

"Sweet, Sombra hacked the health pack! That means it should send out an alert to be replaced faster than normal. I'm gonna use it five times!"

McCree could hear the muffled voices of people in a building nearby. He ignored them. His target was Sombra.

"Missed me?" Sombra yelled into his ear as she became visible again.

McCree turned around and as he did Sombra threw her arms up in the air.

"¡Apagando las luces!"

McCree reached for a flashbang but couldn't get his mechanical arm to work properly.

"Did you just hack me?" he asked, bewildered.

"Yep! Don't try to roll either by the way, your arm will trip you up."

"Duly noted."

"Why aren't you shooting at me anymore?" Sombra was genuinely curious.

"You...hacked me..."

"Uh yeah, but you can still shoot at me."

"Wh-y'know what, nevermind," McCree said, firing a few rounds easily at her. He quickly reloaded with no trouble. Still couldn't reach that flashbang though.

An army of robots (not omnics, they appeared to be controlled by Sombra) arrived and began to attack. McCree was finally able to roll and he did so while reloading. He took a few shots at Sombra but she managed to vanish yet again, eventually reappearing closer to her allies.

McCree grinned. "It's high noon," he projected his voice across the battlefield. A stray tumbleweed rolled in front of him as he targeted each robot and Sombra herself.

Just as his sixshooter began to fire headshots at all of the robots plus Sombra, Sombra herself teleported away. At least he was able to destroy all ten of the robots, despite only having six bullets.

McCree sighed to himself. Why did that never work?

 

**Doomfist, Widowmaker, and Orisa**

"Did...did he just punch his way across a 30 foot gap?"

"Yes, yes he did."

They watched as Doomfist jumped into the air and then punched again, launching himself even higher.

"Find shelter!"

They ducked into the nearest building, watching through the window.

"Did he just vanish?"

They waited for about four seconds when all of a sudden Doomfist appeared from the ceiling, slamming down to the ground and knocking all of them out in one shot.

"One shot, four kills," he gloated to Widowmaker, who had been watching through the walls.

"You're welcome," she huffed. If not for her ability to put down her visor and let her teammates see enemies through walls, he wouldn't have even known they existed yet.

Widowmaker lifted her visor back up just as she heard a noise behind her.

Orisa stepped on Widowmaker's mine and felt the poison that affected her despite her being made of inorganic material.

"Doomfist, my position has been compromised!"

Widowmaker took her opportunity to grapple out of reach. Once she was secure on a different building, she waited for her sniper rifle to charge and then shot at Orisa's head. Good thing so many omnics were designed with their heads as a weak spot. It was easier when she didn’t have to think about where to aim.

Once Widowmaker's bullet hit her, Orisa threw a shield down in front of her.

Suddenly Doomfist came flying towards her, behind her shield. She activated her armor and her body started to glow.

"You're a special OR-15," Doomfist remarked.

"I am Orisa," Orisa said.

Doomfist punched her, the act of which made a shield appear around his body. He then retreated to bide time until he could punch again. He shot a few bullets out of his hand for good measure.

Orisa continued to shoot at him. Then, she sat a device on the floor and a blue tendril connected to her. Suddenly her bullets hurt a lot more.

"Fascinating," Doomfist commented. He ducked out of range of Orisa's attack. A blue substance that could touch you and thus somehow make your bullets hurt more? A lot had changed while he'd been in prison. This bared investigating.

"Widowmaker, fall back," he commanded.

"In a moment Doomfist. My grappling hook needs to rest just a bit longer."

"Just jump from the building. You'll be fine."

Widowmaker sighed over the comm-channel and then muttered something in French, but Doomfist heard her grunt as she landed the 50 foot fall.

He punched his way around the back of the building Orisa was on, working on his own retreat. He would fight the omnic later, once he had more intel.

 

**Pharah and Mercy**

"Oh, no, I can only fly to people."

"Why? Why not just fly freely like me?" Pharah asked.

Mercy simply shrugged her shoulders. A group of enemies came within range.

"Rocket barrage!" Pharah shouted as an impossible number of rockets burst out from her chest. Mercy couldn't figure out how they could have all fit in there.

All eyes were drawn to Pharah, and that meant all guns were as well. Mercy's healing couldn't combat the combined shooting of ten men.

"No!" Mercy screamed as Pharah fell to her death. Mercy slowly floated down to the ground, having no one to fly to. She had one last resort.

"Heroes never die!" she yelled as golden light engulfed both her and Pharah's body. The enemy bullets bounced harmlessly off of them.

Pharah got up and with her instincts taking over she flew to a safer spot, with Mercy traveling behind her.

"I saw a white light and then...I was back here. Did you just resurrect me from the dead?"

"Yeah, I do it all the time," Mercy said. "I resurrected all of Overwatch at once the other day."

Mercy couldn't make out the other woman's expression through her helmet, but her silence said enough.

After a moment Pharah spoke again. "We need a new plan."

"Well," Mercy said slowly, "I've been working on an upgrade to my abillities. Perhaps we should test it out?"

"Okay, what does it do?"

"Well if I give up bringing multiple people back from the dead and briefly being invincible, I can instead fly around shooting much more powerfully."

"I'm not sure that sounds like an upgrade."

"Well what would you suggest?"

"...fine make the switch."

Mercy fiddled with her gear. They could hear people searching around them.

"I will watch over you!" Mercy said as she jumped into the sky and started shooting at every target she saw.

Pharah flew up behind her, moving two soldiers a few inches to the left with her concussive blast. It did not give them a concussion or appear to do anything more than startle them. She blamed her poor aim on Mercy distracting her.

She watched jealously as everyone failed to shoot Mercy from the sky. The few shots that did hit didn't seem to faze her. Soon, all of the enemy soldiers were dead. Mercy looked back at Pharah and healed her for a second before landing smoothly on the ground.

Pharah decided maybe her suit could use a few upgrades of it's own.

 

**Winston and Reaper**

Reaper was out of bullets. He never felt like reloading anymore, so instead he tossed his guns away from his body and pulled two more out of the void. It fit his aesthetic way better.

Satisfied that he was ready, he teleported himself to a ledge above Winston.

He amused himself by saying "death comes" out loud. It seemed he said it a little too loudly however—Winston looked up at him.

He'd intended on dropping down and surprising Winston, but it was too late now. Reaper fired a few shots at him, but at this distance they didn't do much. Winston leapt 20 feet up until he was on the same ledge as Reaper. Reaper grinned under his mask.

Without warning, a dark mist swirled around him as he summoned ghost arms to help him fire in every direction at once.

"Die! Die! Die!" he shouted at Winston. Again, he had an aesthetic to maintain. Thankfully people didn't normally live long enough to make fun of his chant. When his teammates were around, he just said "clearing the area" to avoid giving them the chance.

Unfortunately, Winston reacted quickly and threw up a dome-shaped shield around himself. If he was surprised by Reaper's unnatural ability, he didn't show it. He didn't hesitate to blast Reaper with electricity through the shield. Of course Winston would be able to shoot through the shield while he couldn’t. Reaper hated shields.

By the time Reaper's attack took the shield down, he was too tired to continue it.

Winston saw his opportunity. He threw his glasses to the side (if throwing them smashed them it would only make it easier to get angry anyways), and he let himself become consumed with rage. As he grew angry, he stood up on his legs and his whole body shape seemed to change with the change in posture. A strange reddish-tint appeared around his body, along with a slight crackle of electricity that seemed to come from his eyes and hands.

To someone more alive, it would be terrifying. To Reaper, it was a hassle.

Winston swatted him against a wall. Reaper could feel his life-force take a hit. Before Winston could smack him again he turned his body into a cloud of smoke and fled.

On his way out he flew over a few bodies in order to eat their souls and regain his energy. He didn't want to risk an actual death from a weakened state (if such a thing was even possible).

He would deal with this monkey later.

**Author's Note:**

> I intended on writing a scene for every character but never quite got around to it, so I'm posting what I have for now. Perhaps I'll make a part 2 later. As a bonus, this saves me from tagging every single Overwatch character for one story.


End file.
